Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Life is just hard sometimes...

Sometimes I think I am invincible. Do you ever tend to live like this? Like today is just another day, life will go on, things will go as I planned, and nothing can defeat me. I have often looked at other people's lives, and thought well it sure does stink that they are experiencing that trial, but at least it is not me. Now that I am in the midst of one of the hardest trials of my life thus far, I am certainly learning that I am NOT invincible. Trials may come my way, but the Lord intimately knows me and deeply loves me. Jeremiah says, "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you." God knew me before He even made me. And if He knew me then, He surely knows the trials I am experiencing now, and the sufferings of my heart.

I have been somewhat absent from the blogging world for the past few days because I had to take some time to process what is going on in my life. Sunday was a very difficult day for me as I found out that another one of my dearest friends in Oxford is pregnant.  I said that day, "Are you serious Jesus?" I only have so many close friends in Oxford and two of those are pregnant. I almost had to laugh. After I wallowed in self-pity and self-absorption, and cried for a few hours, I finally came to some realizations. 

One is that the Lord deeply loves me and cares for me, and I have done nothing to deserve this love. Not only does He love me, He gave His son's life for me. In the midst of trials, it is hard to remember that the Lord loves us that much. It is easy to base our thoughts about His character upon our circumstances, and forget about His great love for us. Oh, how deeply my heart longs to have a child right now. But, the Lord knows this and what He has given me for the moment is best, because He deeply loves me. Let me share a quick story with you to demonstrate His great love and concern for you and me. I called my mother-in-love on Sunday afternoon to tell her about what was going on in my life.  At church that morning the pastor had asked the congregation to kneel and pray. She said that as she was praying it was like the Lord spelled out my name in all caps and told her to pray for me. She kept thinking why because she had just seen Kyle the day before, and he told her how great I had been doing. Hours before I received some exciting but hard news, the Lord had laid up my mother-in-love's heart to pray for me. Our Father does love us deeply.

My second realization is that the Lord has great plans for me, and there is a part of my ministry at Ole Miss that is not finished. I definitely still desire to be in full-time ministry after I have a child, but it will drastically change my schedule. I will not be able to stay up visiting with girls until midnight, or drop by the sorority house for lunch. So, I definitely trust that the Lord has great ministry opportunities that He desires for me to finish first. There may be other reasons we are not pregnant yet, but I know that He has created me to do great works, and I am going to wholeheartedly serve these women at Ole Miss right now.

Lastly, I realized that this trial is for my good. The Lord desires to stretch and refine my faith. 1 Peter 1:12-13 says, "Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice insofar as you share Christ's sufferings, that you may also rejoice and be glad when his glory is revealed." Though I am walking through a hard trial, it is nothing compared to Christ's sufferings. I pray that as I walk through this trial, I will rejoice still and that my faith in the Father will be greatly increased. Yes, there are very hard days, and moments when I really question the Lord. But, I still trust that He loves me, He knows me, and He has a perfect plan for me. I am sure that there are many of you who are facing a difficult trial, maybe even complications in conceiving. I hope that these words may bring you much encouragement and hope in the midst of the storm. 

On another note, thanks to all of you who have been praying for my uncle. My family greatly appreciates your prayers, and has experienced much love and comfort from the Father over the past few weeks. My uncle did pass away yesterday afternoon. As difficult as this situation is, we are thankful that he no longer has to battle such a strong disease. Before he passed away, he had the chance to reconnect with his daughter that he had not seen in many years. As the phone laid beside him, she said, "Daddy I love you and I just ask you to forgive me for never coming to visit you." I am so thankful for this sweet moment he had with her. The funeral will be tomorrow afternoon, so please continue to pray for my mother and Granny as the days that lie ahead will definitely be hard. Thank you for lifting us up before the Father.

1 comment:

  1. Hi Amy,
    My husband and I started down this road of infertility 3 years ago. You are very brave to blog about this. It is such an intense heart ache. I'll be praying for God's Will for you and Kyle.