Thursday, October 29, 2009

Entrusted to Me

It has been quite some time since I last gave an update on my fertility process, and I wanted each of you to know what I am experiencing. Last Monday I went for another blood test, and found out the next day that after a second round of clomid, and a higher milligram dosage, I still did not ovulate. In fact, my progesterone level was 1.4 which is extremely low. I was definitely quite bummed when the doctor called with this news. He wanted to increase my dosage again, but after talking with several friends who have experienced infertility, and discussing things with my mom, I decided to call a specialist in Memphis. I just knew it would probably be after the new year before I could get in with one, but it turns out they had a cancellation, and my appointment is tomorrow morning. I took that as a sign from the Lord, and told her I would gladly take the appointment. After booking the appointment, I ordered three books from Amazon, and I will definitely share my opinion about each for those of you who may also be experiencing difficulties in conceiving. Now, that you know where I am physically in the process, I will fill you in on the emotional side. On Wednesday night, I attended bible study through my church. We are going through  "Anointed, Transformed, Redeemed: A Study of David" by Priscilla Shirer, Beth Moore, and Kay Arthur. The Lord is definitely using this study in my life in tremendous ways, but I believe Week Three, Day Five was written specifically for me. Beth Moore begins the lesson by telling a story of a couple who is experiencing infertility and really wrestling with the Lord. The words that follow pretty much screamed off the page at me:

"God is the Author of life, not man nor science. Indeed Jeremiah 1:5 says, 'Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart.' The psalmist responded to a strikingly similar God-given revelation with these words: 

"Certainly you made my mind and heart; you wove me together in my mother's womb. I will give you thanks because your deeds are awesome and amazing. You knew me thoroughly; my bones were not hided from you, when I was made in secret and sewed together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw me when I was inside the womb. All the days ordained for me were recorded on your scroll before one of them came into existence. How difficult it is for me to fathom your thoughts about me, O God! How vast is their sum total!"    Psalm 139:13-17

We desperately need reminders like these especially when something horrible has happened. We've got to know we're cherished and have been since--take time for wonder--before we were conceived. We were planned by someone who pondered the panoramic canvas of our entire lives, in living color, dimension, and texture, with joy as if it had already been well lived. We were assigned purpose and placed within a God-created system where no pain can come to us unless it serves that exact purpose. We need to know that the events we find so baffling don't mean God has forgotten about us or forsaken us. Perhaps, if we'd stretch our hearts and minds to perceive it, He has instead trusted us."

These words spoke so much to my heart that I just sat and wept for quite some time. I needed to hear these truths, and be reminded that I am cherished, and have been since before I was born, and that God has not forgotten about me or forsaken me! He has TRUSTED me! Shortly after I began this journey, I remember calling my sister one day, and as I cried to her, she said, "Amy, the Lord would not have brought you down this road if He didn't think you could handle it. He has entrusted this to you." What powerful words from Beth and my sister. But even with all these great truths, my heart is definitely still heavy, and last night I found myself crying out to the Lord, "WHY ME?....couldn't you have chose somebody else!" Even in my weakest moment, the Savior completely understands my heart.  When Jesus is in the Garden of Gethsemane awaiting death on the cross, he prays, "Abba Father, all things are possible for you. Remove this cup from me. Yet not what I will, but what you will." (Mark 14:36)               

C.J. Mahaney writes in "Living the Cross Centered Life", "We hear Him cry out: Father--is there an alternative? Is there any way to avoid this? If there's a way this cup could pass from Me, would You please provide that to Me?...But the obedient Son's plea to His loving Father is met with silence. Why? Listen to this verse again for the very first time: For God so loved the world...that He is silent to His Son's agonizing appeal." In our Savior's darkest hour, He cried out to the Lord for an alternative, just as I was crying out to Him last night, "please Lord...let this cup pass over me." But because of His amazing love for us, we see Him repeat to the Father: "Yet not what I will, but what you will." You see "we do not have a great high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need." O Sovereign Lord, I boldly approach your throne with confidence, and ask that you would indeed grant me mercy in this time of need. I need thee every hour, and I pray not my will be done, but what you will. 

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