EXHAUSTED

Let me begin by saying, I am completely and utterly exhausted with this trial we are enduring. As most of you know, Kyle and I have been trying to conceive for a year and 3 months now, and it has been an extremely difficult journey. It truly is an emotional roller coaster, and I have finally reached my breaking point. I feel like up until now the Lord has given me a strength that I did not know I even possessed, but as of this week I have hit rock bottom.

Saturday was the end of my two week wait, so at this point I knew that I could take a pregnancy test. On Thursday, I had a tiny bit of spotting that morning, and then nothing. I spoke with the nurse, and she said to take a test on Friday morning. The test was negative. I still had a little bit of hope, because it was early. I called the nurse, and she told me to wait a few days and test again. I took a second test on Monday...negative. At this point, I knew it was over. As much as you try not to get your hopes, deep inside you are really hoping this round will work. Instead of crying, I just became really frustrated with the Lord. I just looked at my sweet husband, and said "when is it going to be our turn?" It becomes even harder when you hear about couples that were not even trying or just got married, and are now pregnant. Let me just be completely honest. That is when I want to scream at the Lord, "SERIOUSLY!!!" I certainly do not want to be frustrated with the Lord, because I know with all my heart that He has something SO GOOD in store for us. This journey is just becoming extremely painful, and I have grown very weary. It is also hard because most all of my friends including my sister have entered into the world of being a mom. I cannot relate to them at all, and it makes these relationships even more difficult. I feel stuck in this other world when I long so deeply to be in their shoes. It is just hard. There is no other way to describe it. I long for the day when I can look back on this journey, and see the Lord's purpose. As for now, the trusting and waiting is getting harder and harder every day. I certainly do not want to burden you, but please pray for me. As you can see my flesh is so weak, and my heart is so weary. Pray for the Lord to continue to give me strength, and pray that I would find great rest in Him. He is my Rock, and I must continue to trust in His plan for us.

Being that my cycle still has not begun, I am headed to Memphis tomorrow for a blood test. This will be the ultimate confirmation. If I am in fact not pregnant, please pray that my cycle would begin soon, so that we can begin another round of fertility treatment in July. I do not know if I am even emotionally or physically prepared to face another round. However, this is our only option, so I have to continue to persevere. Thanks for sharing in this journey with us, and for allowing me to share my heart. I will continue to rejoice in this trial for it alone has deepened my walk with the Lord, and strengthened my marriage greatly. I just hope and pray that the Lord would see fit to bless us with a child soon!