What's Left of Me

Hello friends! It's definitely been a while! Kyle and I took an extended vacation up to the Northeast, and then school started back this week so things have been rather busy! I have so much to share with you, and of course lots of pictures from the trip! Those will have to wait though because I want to start with a question so many of you have asked me recently. How are things going for you? What is the next step for you and Kyle in trying to conceive? I have dreaded sitting down to write this post because in doing so I really have to face the facts, which can be quite difficult. I could have answered these questions about a month ago, but just did not have it in me. Thank you for being patient, and in the process still praying for us.

In the beginning of August, we had about a two hour appointment with our doctor to discuss our situation. In January the doctor had told me he hoped to have me pregnant by July, and that did not happen. Kyle and I really wanted to discuss next steps with him. He was so kind to spend so much time with us, answer all our questions, and give us a plan. He must have flipped through our chart more than a dozen times to evaluate what has happened thus far. Through this he shared with us the percentages we had in getting pregnant with the past three IUI's. The first one in which I did get pregnant I had a 12% chance. The second time it decreased, and I had a 4% chance. The third time it decreased even further, and I had a 2% chance. I certainly wish I had known this when I left the clinic because I would not have fretted during the two week wait. Kyle and I were stunned as we sat there and listened to these percentages. In fact, I told Kyle we have a better shot at taking everything we have and putting it on red in Tunica! It literally felt like to me we had taken a $1,000, and watched it flush down the toilet. That's just me being completely honest. You might be curious as to why the percentages change. Several different thing are factored in to the number from the husband and wife that can change each round of treatment. What do you do when given numbers like these? That is the big question! Of course, I would like to stay hopeful, and trust that the Lord is infinitely more powerful than a number. But, there is a fine line there, because you have to face the facts too.

What is the next step for us? The doctor would like to do one more IUI which will be our fourth one. Yes, I feel like it is a waste of $1,000! His reasoning is that most women conceive within 3 to 4 IUI's, so common sense says do one more. After that he suggests that we move on to IVF. This was the part of the conversation that became extremely difficult. As the doctor stepped out of the room, I looked at Kyle with tears just swelling up in my eyes. It was like I saw in fast forward the last year and a half of our lives, and I never ever thought the Lord would bring us to this point. In the early stages of trying to conceive, I never thought this would be me. I thought the movie would end long before this point. The doctor shared so much information with us about IVF, and much more than I could ever recount to you. I am extremely blessed that we have a doctor that is a Christian, and will answer our questions with that in mind. What really shocked me is that with IVF I would have a 65 to 70% chance of conceiving...that is a drastic difference! I hope and pray that we will conceive before this process, however if we do not, we are confident that the Lord would want us to try IVF. I could share lots of specific details about this procedure, but I will wait until we know we are moving in that direction.

How am I doing? This question is somewhat difficult to answer, because I have really good days and really bad days. I truly feel like I have been sifted over and over, brought through the fire again and again, yet the Lord is still refining me. To an extent I feel like I have been stripped down to my bones, and that is what's left of me. After the last IUI failed in July, I was just done! I have never been so frustrated with the Lord in my life, and that was a scary place to be. I was speaking with my director and he mentioned when David says, "Awake from your sleep and hear me Lord." This is what I wanted to scream to the Lord too. Kyle and I, and hundreds of others are praying, and it feels as if the Lord is not hearing us. This can be extremely frustrating, but I was so encouraged when I read this excerpt from the blog, Practical Theology for Women.

"Married woman experiencing infertility, I encourage you with similar words. People can be callous with their words, especially in the church. But believe in confidence that God in this very moment loves you with a deep love. You may feel estranged from Him, knowing that He has the power to give you that sweet infant that He has given so many around you. It seems like He is dangling a desire in front of you, teasing you with it. But understand that unfulfilled desire is a tool He uses to give you even better things – things of Himself that you cannot know in easy ways. Believe in confidence that this time of waiting is not just a holding pattern with no discernible value, but it too is a blessing, albeit in disguise, as it increases your strength to run and not grow weary and to walk and not to faint. Wait on the Lord, dear sister, in confidence."

The part in bold is greatly encouraged me. The Lord is not withholding anything from me. He is giving me even better things! I have to keep this ever before me, or I quickly drift into a mindset that the Lord is not giving me what He could so easily do. Yet, I know there is much purpose behind what the Lord is doing in our lives, and He is blessing us beyond measure in this time of waiting. I have shared a lot today, and I thank you for listening. I am so humbled that so many of you care so deeply for us. Thanks to each of you who have sent me texts, e-mails, and cards. These bring me much encouragement, and often come at a time when I really need it. Never think that I am tired of hearing from you, because there are days that just a simple note has given me hope and strength to persevere. Thanks for loving us so well, and for praying for us! We long for the day that you can rejoice with us as we bring home a child!