Knocked Off My Feet

I guess you could say I have been in a blogging funk over the past month or so. For 18 weeks of my pregnancy, I was so sick that I did not even have the energy to write or the brain capacity to think about writing. Once I finally began to feel better, school started back and I dived into staff life: meetings, discipleship appointments, bible studies, etc. These amongst others were the reasons that I thought had created my "bloggers funk." Until this past week, I realized there was a much bigger picture...a disconnect from the Lord that I have been battling for a few months now. During the 18 months of struggling with infertility, I felt so close to the Lord. I always felt His presence and a nearness to me. I believe this was due to the fact that I could not have survived those 18 months without Him. God was my source of strength every day, and I only lived life through Him. I also believe it was because I was desperately seeking Him for the desire of my heart...a child. Along the way, He was also breaking me and showing me that my deepest need is Him, and that nothing else will satisfy this need. I definitely got it, and as I have said before my relationship with the Lord reached depths that it never had before.

Somewhere in between infertility and the Lord granting me my heart's desire, I completely lost sight of my deep need for Christ. I began to live my day-to-day life apart from Him. My goal for each day quickly became what I could accomplish out of my own efforts versus how can I live today to honor, glorify, serve, and love my King. Part of this stems from the fact that I am a DOER through and through. With every ounce of my being I am a Martha. Dictionary.com defines doer as "a person or thing that does something, especially a person who gets things done with vigor and efficiency; a person characterized by action." Two of my strengths as defined by the book Strength Finders are Achiever and Activator. An achiever has a constant

need for achievement. Each day starts at zero, and by the end of the day you must achieve something tangible in order to feel good about yourself. An activator says "When can we start?" This is a recurring question in your life. You are impatient for action. Only action can make things happen. Only action leads to performance. Once a decision is made, you cannot not act. Now that you know a little bit about me, you can see why it is next to impossible for me to sit and not be doing. At all times I feel called to act or perform, and I do not feel accomplished for the day if I have not achieved something. This is also why I make list. I feel a big sense of accomplishment when at the end of the day I am able to check things off the list. When Webster created the word doer, he might as well have written Amy Cole beside it.

This is where the big disconnect comes in to play. It is incredibly easy for me to begin each day with my own agenda and live life apart from Him. I have to constantly fight the battle of my flesh, and make myself just SIT which is incredibly difficult for me. I realize that there are very positive things about being a doer, and that one of those is that you can accomplish great things for the Lord. However, this cannot be done if it does not stem from a deep relationship with Him, and time spent in His word. And this is the very thing that has been lacking in my life. When I wake up in the morning, and set my feet to the ground my need for feeling accomplished begins. One would think that with my strong sense of doing, I would be able to add spending time in the Word to my list, check it off, and feel accomplished. However, I for some reason feel much more accomplished if the dishes are put away, the house is clean, a load of laundry is going, my e-mail has been answered, and the next chapter of that parenting book has been read. This is why over the past few years I have begged of the Lord to give me a deep desire for His word. One of my prayers for 2010 was that the Lord would "deepen my affections for His word." And I am sure you are saying to yourself, "isn't she in full-time ministry?" That is one of the reasons I felt compelled to share all of this with you because I do not "have it together" and I am certainly not perfect.

All this to say, over the past 24 hours the Lord has knocked me off my feet (literally) to say the least! I have been experiencing severe leg pain due to the fact that either the baby or my uterus is pressing against my sciatic nerve. Yesterday morning I was actually in tears because I was hurting so bad. Apparently this can be common in pregnancy, but the bad news is there is not much that can be done to make it better. By doctors orders, I am now eating a banana every day, and I am on bed rest for 48 hours. Yes, bed rest for a girl that cannot sit still!! YIKES!!! This is where the evaluation process began, and why at this moment I am sharing with you what our sweet Savior has so graciously revealed to me. I almost felt like He said to me yesterday, "If you cannot learn to sit still and have moments alone with me in my Word, I will show you how, and I will even give you 48 hours to do it." Talk about a wake up call!

As of now, I am about 24 hours in and I feel somewhat like an onion. On Sunday, I was not even aware of the reason for my disconnect with the Lord, and slowly He is has peeled back layer by layer to reveal to me the root problem. This has certainly not been a pretty process as I have had to wrestle with some deep sin issues in my life (I will spare you from those), but I am grateful that the Lord did not allow me to continue in my steps and that He "awakened me from my slumber." You may be thinking, "so has she spent the past 24 hours devouring the Scriptures?" Not exactly. The past 24 hours have involved more processing and evaluating. I have actually spent more time just listening to the Lord as He has revealed to me this issue in my life and the steps I need to take to move forward. At this point in time, the biggest thing He has shown me is that I MUST lower my expectations of myself and live in regards to HIS expectations of me. That is quite a big revelation, and one that is going to probably take more than 48 hours to process. Thus far, I am seeing that I need to let some things go. It is okay if a few dishes pile up in the sink, the house does not get vacuumed for a few days, or that stack of papers sits there for a week. I had begun to let these things take precedent in my life, and my number one priority of "love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, all your strength, and all your mind" slowly drifted to the bottom.

Lord, may you reign as supreme in my life above all else. May my upmost desire be for you and your Word. I pray that it would be impossible for me to live life apart from you and apart from time spent in your Word. May my soul find deep satisfaction only in You. I pray that the words of Psalm 119:114 would be true of my life: "You are my hiding place and my shield; I hope in your word." Thank you for allowing me to share my heart with you today! I pray also that your hope would be found in Him and His Word.