This is where I am at...

Many months ago, when I was tossing around the idea of beginning a blog my first thoughts were I want it to speak truth and display the gospel to others, but I also want people to see me, the real me. By that I mean I really wanted to display the good days and the bad days, and not just pretend that I am some 24/7 happy Christian that never has a bad day. So, here goes it! Those of you who are close to me know that over the past year Kyle and I have faced some really hard trials. Between family situations and our financial struggle, we have had some really hard times, and moments where I just broke down before the Father because I did not know how I was going to make it another day. Well, it appears that the Lord has recently placed another trial into our lives. I debated about sharing this at first because it is personal, but as I said earlier, I want people to know me. A few months ago, Kyle and I decided to start trying to conceive. While its only been four months, I have already experienced complications, and as of this week I am going on medication that will hopefully straighten out the problem. However, we could be facing a long road. I have really struggled with this because I am such a planner. I had pretty much planned out what our family would look like and when they would come into the picture, and now the Lord is calling me to relinquish all control of this to Him. So, yesterday was a really low day. Just facing the reality that we might not have a child for quite some time was really hard. In fact, I emailed some of my closest sisters in Christ just to ask them to simply pray, because I was kind of speechless before the Lord.  Oh, how grateful I am for the body of Christ, and that the Lord has placed these women in my life. One of those would be my sister, Laura. She called today just to check on me, and I am so thankful that she did because two things she said I really needed to hear. She said, "If only we would remember that at all times Christ is in the other room, interceding on our behalf, how much less would we despair" (this was quoted from a friend who had emailed her during a hard time). This I REALLY needed to hear. Christ is pleading with the Father on my behalf. He is on my side. He is for ME! And when I do not have the words to pray, "the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings to deep for words." Sometimes I feel as if God does not hear me or that my prayers are "bouncing off the ceiling." But I shall not despair anymore, because Christ is interceding for me. She also told me that I needed to remember that God does not owe this to me...He does not owe me children. He may choose to bless me with them, but He does not owe it to me. Christ died a horrible death on the cross, and went through much pain and suffering, so that I, being a wretched sinner, could have eternal life. Now, that ought to be reason enough for me to praise Him! Regardless of whether He gives me a child or not, I have life and breath today and that is a incredible gift from the Lord. I am so thankful for my dear sister and that she boldly speaks such truth into my life. In such hard trials, our minds can tend to wander and we begin to listen to the lies of the enemy, and we begin to think we deserve things. I am thankful that I have the word of the Lord to speak truth into my life, but I am also deeply grateful for the body of Christ. So, even though the past few days I have been hard, I am going to continue to speak the gospel to myself, and embrace this trial that the Lord has given us. I trust that His hand will guide us, His word will sustain us, and His son will intercede for us. 

This is probably one of the most well-know psalms, but it really spoke to my heart today.

Psalm 23

The Lord Is My Shepherd

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.

He makes me lie down in green pastures.

He leads me beside still waters.

He restores my soul.

He leads me in paths of righteousness

for his name's sake.

Even though I walk through the valley of

the shadow of death,

I will fear no evil,

for you are with me; 

your rod and your staff, 

they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me 

in the presence of my enemies;

you anoint my head with oil;

my cup overflows.

Surely goodness and mercy shall

follow me

all the days of my life,

and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord

forever.