Still Waiting and Praising...

A week ago, I had thought I would be posting about the next round of fertility treatment. Last week I was quite anxious all week, and had to motivate myself to even face another round. I definitely want to keep trying, but there is also a part of me that is fearful of what the future could hold. Last Friday, I found out it would be another month before we would start treatment. This was a complete bummer, and I was pretty sad that afternoon. I am thankful for the doctors being cautious though. If I had started another round of treatment this month, my chance of miscarrying again would have been pretty high. But, it is really not fun to have to wait another month. So, this week I have really done some wrestling with the Lord. I have cried often, and cried out to Him from the depth of my being! There are days that I am very content with life as it is now, and then there are days that I am so frustrated and almost angry with the Lord. I often think Lord, why me? It is like I have to constantly preach the scriptures to myself, because if I don't my mind immediately wonders to what is not true. But what is true, is that the Lord deeply loves me, cares about me immensely, and has a good and perfect plan for our family. It is just the waiting part that I have really struggled with this week. I am truly learning what it looks like to wait, and to trust Him moment by moment. If we could just fast forward about five years, and know what our family would look like, then the waiting would be pretty easy. But, I know that would require no faith, nor entail a refinement of our faith; both things that I am very thankful He is working out in our lives. So, I still wait! All this to say, please keep praying for us. I am so thankful for the years of marriage we had before this trial, because that firm foundation has definitely sustained us. However, it is getting really tough, and our hearts deeply long for a child. As I was thinking about our situation the other morning this praise song came to my mind. I have heard it and sung it 1,000 times, but in this moment the words really struck me.

Even though I walk
through the valley of the shadow of death
Your perfect love is casting out fear
And even when I’m caught in the middle
of the storms of this life
I won’t turn back
I know You are near

And I will fear no evil
For my God is with me
And if my God is with me
Whom then shall I fear?
Whom then shall I fear?

Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me

And I can see a light that is coming
for the heart that holds on
A glorious light beyond all compare
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
We’ll live to know You here on the earth

Yes, I can see a light that is coming
for the heart that holds on
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
Still I will praise You,
still I will praise You

The following paragraph was written by another women that faced infertility, and what she wrote describes my heart too! "I am in the midst of a storm right now, but I do not have to fear. His perfect love surrounds me and will never let go. In the good times and in the bad, He never fails me. He is always carrying me. This is just a season in our lives. It seems like forever right now, but someday we will be on the other side infertility. Until then, I choose to praise Him. I choose to proclaim that He is good, He is sovereign, and He never lets go!"