The What If's

I have to admit that I have been a tad bit overwhelmed lately. As of today, we are only 30 days away from Hardy's due date, and that would be his latest arrival. He certainly could come before then. As you may know, I very much so have a Type A personality. Wanting to be prepared for Hardy's arrival is almost an understatement in my life and has recently created this mentality of "what if."

Let's begin with the nursery. Almost everything about decorating that room has been an issue. For instance, it took forever to find a dresser. My mom and I went to every antique store from Hattiesburg, MS to Memphis, TN in search of a dresser. Once she finally found one, we brought it home and it was the wrong color. So, then we had to have it painted. The bumper pads...beautiful, but too big and had to be sent back to the seamstress to cut down. The fabric for my crib skirt has been on back order for two months now, and currently is still held up in customs. And to top it all off, my mom order a lamp that came in yesterday and I was so excited to open it until I noticed the base was cracked. Seriously!! All this makes me ponder the question, "what if the nursery is not finished when Hardy is born?" Well this just does not settle with my Type A-ness, and has been quite frustrating to me lately. One of the reasons I always wanted to find out the gender of our baby is so the nursery would be complete upon coming home from the hospital--the other is that I do not have the patience to wait! :) The fact that everything in the nursery might not be done in time has really overwhelmed me, but I am learning the bigger picture here and will share that in a minute.

Then there is the entire labor and delivery process--OVERWHELMING!! I have definitely done my preparation here by reading a book, attending birthing classes, and asking all my friends to share their story. However, I still have these moments of what if I do not know what to do or what if something goes wrong. I think it is natural to have these fears, because I am about to do something I have never done before in my life. As the days draw closer though, I have become more and more overwhelmed.

Oh, and then I become a MOM and bring this sweet little boy home! Then the list of what ifs becomes about a mile long! Yesterday, the chair I had recovered was delivered (the one thing in the nursery that looks stunning right now), and last night I just sat in it for about 30 minutes and did some pondering. All these what ifs began popping into my head. What if he is not a good nurser? What if he cries all night and I don't know how to soothe him? What if I don't know how to change his diaper? What if I am simply not a good Mom?

After I went through all these questions, the Lord stopped me in my tracks and shared this verse with me. "And my God will supply every need of yours according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:19 This is the bigger picture. While this verse speaks about our physical needs, I think it also applies to our emotional needs as well. I just need to surrender all these fears and doubts that I have to the Lord and trust that He is going to supply me with every need I have for being a mother. I need not to fret or worry over the what ifs because I have a Savior to rely upon, and only He can meet and satisfy my needs. I also think the Lord is continually teaching me a lesson that is hard for me to learn and that is to lower my expectations of myself. I have always been a hard worker, and my number one strength is achiever. At the end of the day, I must have achieved something in order to feel good about myself. While there are definitely positive aspects to this character trait, I can tend to be too hard on myself and expect too much out myself. This also creates independence in me rather than dependence upon the Lord. I am learning that I am just going to have to let some things go, and not keep the bar raised so high. I may not be the "perfect mom", but I can rely upon the Lord to meet my every need and and the needs of my precious Hardy.

Although I have spent the last few weeks wrestling with these what ifs, that does not discount the overwhelming sense of gratitude I have to the Lord for blessing us with this child. The journey to get here was a long road, and even today I am still amazed that there is life growing inside of me. I may worry that the crib skirt may not be finished in time, but oh how thankful I am that I even have a nursery to decorate. There were definitely moments over the past two years where I thought this day would never come. However, the Lord did indeed grant me the desires of my heart, and for that I am incredibly thankful. Thank you for allowing me to share my heart today, and to all of the moms reading this please feel free to leave me some advice or your thoughts on conquering the "what ifs."