Which Direction are You Running?

At the beginning of 2010, I began reading two books. One is Counterfeit Gods by Tim Keller that I am reading with three of the girls I disciple within Crusade. The other book is The Blessings of Brokenness by Charles Stanley. I picked this one up because the title seemed appropriate for my life at the time. I only have a chapter left in each book, and I definitely intend to post about both of them separately when I am finished. However, in my reading this week both of the chapters were about the story of Jonah. While these two books are very different, these specific chapters were so similar, and I know the Lord was trying to teach me something more about this story of a man being swallowed by a big fish! I do not think this was merely coincidental! You might want to refresh your mind by reading the book of Jonah again. It is just four short chapters. I will give you a brief summary though (well maybe not so brief)! The story begins by the Lord commanding Jonah to go to the city of Nineveh, and tell the people of their wickedness. God was basically asking Jonah to go to his enemies and preach repentance to them. Jonah would have rather died than see his enemies repent and receive the mercy of God. So, he directly disobeyed the Lord and fled to Tarshish. While he was out to see on his way to Tarshish, God sent a fierce storm that threatened to sink the ship. All the sailors cast lots to see who brought this storm upon them, and the lot fell on Jonah. The sailors threw Jonah into the sea, and the Lord provided a fish to save Jonah by swallowing him. While in the fish, Jonah finally begins to understand the grace of God (in his head but not his heart). The Lord commanded the fish to vomit Jonah onto dry land, and then God commanded him a second time to go to Nineveh. This time Jonah obeyed, and as he began to preach, the Ninevites began to repent. Their response caused Jonah to become very angry with God, and he asked God to kill him. Jonah went out of the city, and the Lord provided for Jonah by giving him a plant that brought him shade over his head. When the sun rose, God appointed the plant to die. Once again Jonah was too angry to live. When God asked him if his anger was warranted Jonah said that he was "angry enough to die." These are Jonah's final words to the Lord as far as we know, but the Lord confronts Jonah on his anger. God confronts Jonah on the fact that he was more concerned about his sunburn, than the thousand of people in the city of Nineveh that did not know the Lord. "This story of Jonah is not limited to history, of course. It is a story that happens again and again." It is a story about YOU and a story about ME!

And let me tell you why! What was God trying to do in Jonah's life? He was trying to break Jonah of his pride and stubborn self-will, and remove the idols in his life. What was Jonah's response? Rebellion. He RAN away from the Lord. Why did Jonah run? Keller said, "The answer is, again, idolatry, but of a very complex kind. Jonah had a personal idol. He wanted ministry success more than he wanted to obey God. Also, Jonah was shaped by a cultural idol. He put the national interests of Israel over obedience to God and the spiritual good of the Ninevites. Finally, Jonah had a religious idol, simple moral self-righteousness. He felt superior to the wicked, pagan Ninevites. He didn't want to see them saved. Jonah's cultural and personal idols had melded into a toxic compound that was completely hidden from him. It led him to rebel against the very God he was so proud of serving." Stanley said, "We each have times when we don't want to give up our way, don't want to yield, don't want to have our wills broken by God...Jonah did not want to do what God wanted him to do, and he attempted to run away and hide from God. This tactic didn't work for Jonah. Neither does it work in our lives." However, we often still run, and seek a means of escape because we do not want to experience brokenness. We would rather resist God, and choose to do things our own way. Stanley calls this prideful rebellion, and rebellion never brings happiness. "Those who rebel against God's call to specific service never find true satisfaction or a feeling of fulfillment in the lives they choose for themselves...Rebellion, if continued, ultimately causes us to miss out on the blessing God desires for us. It keeps us from receiving the fullness of what God has planned for us."

The question becomes are we going to run FROM God or TO God? Are we going to protest against brokenness, or are we going to allow our wills to be broken by God? Oh, how I pray that my heart would willingly allow God to break me so that I don't miss out on the fullness of his blessing.

The Lord has allowed me to walk through an extremely hard time recently, and one that I certainly would not have chosen for myself. There have been many moments where I have wanted to run from God, well more like sprint! I did not want to experience being broken. I have often felt like I deserved something easier or better. Slowly, I am beginning to see that this is better, and there is a blessing and beauty that comes from being broken. I may never know the exact reasons that the Lord has allowed this hard experience in my life. But, I do know that there is purpose in being broken--God wants to bring about my best. Stanley says, "God moves in our lives because he loves us too much to see us continue in our sin, remain in a lukewarm spiritual state, or go unfulfilled in his purposes for our lives. God loves us too much to see us remain as we are." Lord, thank you for loving me with an immense amount of love, and thank you for not allowing me to remain the same. Help me to always run to you and embrace the trials of this life, so that I don't miss out on the blessings of brokenness--experiencing the fullness of Your love, wisdom, power, strength, and goodness.

Spring has Sprung at The Coles

What is a girl to do when her husband is gone overseas for ten days, and she is at home looking for something to do to pass the time? DECORATE! My mother was spending the week with me, so we decided to do some spring decorating. We changed out my dining room table decor, and the arrangements in my living room to make them more springy. We also did a little decorating for Easter. After several trips to Hobby Lobby, and looking in every store for the perfect pot, my mom got to work on the arrangements, and they are lovely! My mother could have been an interior decorator because she is so incredibly talented, but I am thankful she comes to my house and works for free! Hope you enjoy all the pictures of my new pretties!

Daffodils are blooming all over Oxford!

Mom and I picked these from some frat boys

yard that were much obliged to let us have some.

These are the new arrangements my Mom

made for the living room.

We looked everywhere for the perfect pot,

and finally found this lovely blue one

at an antique store in Oxford.

My mother-in-love gave me the

cute Easter bunny as happy!

Snapdragons...I love all the

colors of SPRING!

Angel Wing Begonia...these will have

pretty red blooms soon.

Kyle and I found this fun door mat

at Crate and Barrell.

I found these precious bunnies at Bella Vita,

my favorite store in Collierville.

Welcome Home MIKIAS!!!

It is with great joy that I announce the arrival of Mikias Ryan Cuthbertson! After a long journey, Laura, Kevin, and Mikias made it home to Louisville last Sunday. Mikias is adjusting quite well, and seems to be truly happy in the Cuthbertson home. Molly Kate is loving having a brother too! You can read more of their story, and frequent updates about Mikias at Refined Faith. We are so thankful to have Mikias home, and hope that we get to meet our sweet nephew soon!

Extreme Makeover: Hattiesburg

Just wanted to remind you that Extreme Makeover: Hattiesburg airs TONIGHT! This is the episode where my father's company, AAA Homes, was the lead builder. The episode will air tonight at 7:00 p.m. (central). Hope you enjoy watching, and maybe Kyle and I will have our 2 seconds of fame!

Is Life FAIR?

My heart is overwhelmed with all the love I have received from so many of you! I am thankful for you, and I have been deeply encouraged by your phone calls, e-mails, and the messages you have written to us. Above all, I am extremely thankful for your prayers. I truly believe it is your prayers for me (and the grace of God) that have carried me through some really difficult days. THANK YOU!!!

That being said, many of you have asked how I am doing? To my sweet mother-in-love I said, "Do you really want to know?" Honestly, I am doing pretty good, and once again I contribute that to my precious Savior, Jesus Christ. It is ONLY because of Him that I have any strength! I do have good days, and bad days, and joyful moments, and sad moments. The mornings always seem to be the hardest for me, and I guess that is because I am facing another day and the realities of it. Yesterday morning, I had the attitude of "life is not fair." All these thoughts started to flood my mind. I am getting older every day--I will be turning 28 this summer. Women 2 and 3 years younger than me already have children. Kyle and I will be celebrating our four year anniversary in May. I certainly did not think we would be celebrating it without a child. Money--we have none! We are in full-time ministry, and we do not have tons of extra money to spend on fertility treatments. These are just a few of the thoughts I had, and I just wanted to scream, "LIFE IS NOT FAIR!!!" Then, the Lord graciously reminded me that it was not fair that Jesus had to take upon my sin, and the sins of the world, so that I might be counted as righteous in the eyes of the Lord. That is the uttermost display of unfairness, but Jesus said, "My Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me; nevertheless, not as I will, but as you will." Oh, how I wish that this "cup" could pass from me, but this is the Lord's will for us, and so I pray that each day I can accept with a humble spirit. Through my eyes, I certainly see it as not fair, but the Lord sees it as His good and perfect will for us. Is this easy to accept or what I would have planned? Definitely not, but I trust that the Lord is refining us, and that in the end our faith will be proved "more precious than gold."

Many of you have also asked how you can be praying for us? In January, my sister printed out three prayers that are hung in various places in our house. These have become prayers that we pray on a daily basis, and I would ask that as you intercede on our behalf that you would join us in these prayers.

"There is an appointed time for everything.

And there is a time for every event under heaven." Ecclesiastes 3:1

Father, we trust this truth, that You have appointed a time for everything. As we believe You have called us to be parents, we trust that You have appointed a time to bring a child into our lives. Help us in our finite understanding to trust Your time and rest in Your sovereign will.

"It came about in due time, after Hannah had conceived, that she gave birth to a son;

and she named him Samuel, saying, 'Because I have asked him of the Lord." 1 Samuel 1:20

Lord, thank you for the story of Hannah, and the reminder that You alone create life in the womb. May we be faithful to continue asking You to grant us a child just as Hannah asked of You. As we are without child, help us to not despair, but continue to press on in faith. Lord, may we believe that You will enlarge Your family in the time and way You have ordained.

"Wait for the LORD; Be strong and let your heart take courage;

Yes, wait for the LORD." Psalm 27:14

Father, we know that it is good to wait on You, and yet we wrestle as we wait for a child because our hearts long for a baby. Please help us to be strong as we wait, and not fail in our courage. We pray that you would use this wait mightily in our lives to sharpen our faith, and teach us more of Your character. May we look back on this period of our lives, and see many ways that you produced great fruit in us.

Thank you again for the love and support you have shown to us. We are blessed to be able to walk through the joys of life, as well as the sorrows of life with you! May the trials of our lives result in a deeper faith, and more intimate relationship with our Lord Jesus Christ!

My Hope is Built On Nothing Less...

"The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away;

blessed be the name of the Lord." Job 1:21

"More than that we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us."

Romans 5:3-5

It is with a heavy, but hopeful heart that I share the most recent part of our story with you. I went back to the doctor on Monday morning to have blood work done again. Entering into this appointment, I certainly prayed that my levels would increase, but I also prayed that the Lord would give us a definitive answer, knowing that whatever the outcome may be it is what He has purposed. They checked my levels early in the morning, and then we waited to receive a phone call from the doctor. My mother and I went to Panera and Target before heading back to Oxford because I was so tired of sitting at home. Once we got back to Oxford, we decided to go get a manicure, because I just could not sit and wait. Of course, the doctor called as we were in the middle of getting our manicures. I share this because many of you know me so well, and you would say, "only Amy would be getting a manicure while she waited on such a important phone call." The doctor proceeded to tell me that my HCG level dropped to 111, and he is pretty certain that I am miscarrying. They will check my levels again on Friday just to make sure they are still declining. I definitely felt much sorrow when I received this news, but I did not cry until I had to call Kyle in Italy. I knew this would be so hard, because I could not tell him in person, and just embrace him with a hug. Thankfully, he was at a friend's home that lives in Italy, and can call America for free. We were able to have a long conversation, and really process through the circumstance together. A large group of our dearest friends were also with him at dinner, and were there to love on him and pray for him. This was a huge comfort to me, and a reassurance that he is suppose to be in Italy. He shared with me that just yesterday, he had a great conversation with an Italian student. He was able to share the gospel with that student, and is suppose to get back together with him today. After Kyle and I talked, I cried for about an hour, and then I began to process. There were so many thoughts, and questions that were flooding my mind at once. I had experienced much grief the previous Wednesday, and since then I definitely was hopeful of what the Lord could do, but also prepared for a miscarriage. I immediately began to have questions like, "Lord, how could this be when we have already been down such a long road?", and "Why is it so hard for us?" The Lord graciously reminded me that He knows how I feel. Just as I have now lost a child, so too did He lose His child, and for the very purpose that I may know Him. What peace this brought to my heart. No, this is certainly not the path that I would have chosen for Kyle and I, but I fully trust with all my heart that the Lord is GOOD, and this is a part of His sovereign plan for our lives. I do not know how He intends for our family to come to be, but I do trust that He will eventually bless us with children. Yesterday was a hard day, but there are many things that I can still rejoice over. One reason we rejoices is that I was able to get pregnant! It was a HUGE blessing and miracle that I got pregnant. The overall success rate per cycle with IUI is 15 to 20%. I know that the Lord was the author of this life, because the chances of me getting pregnant with the first round of IUI were slim. Another reason we rejoice is that we know that this is a part of our sanctification. That through this trial, the Lord is molding and shaping us more and more into the image of His son. Even though it may be painful at times, we rejoice in our refinement, and trust that He is accomplishing His purpose in our lives through it. My heart cannot express enough how thankful I am for each of you. I have been comforted by your prayers, and encouraged by your words. I deeply grateful that I can walk through this valley with the body of Christ beside me. Please continue to pray for us in the days and weeks to come. Pray also that the Lord in His sovereign timing would bless us with a child. Love to each of you, and blessed be the name of the Lord!

The Lord often seems to speak to my heart through songs, especially hymns. This is one that I remember singing many times when I was a child. Today, the Lord laid this hymn upon my heart, and it brought me much comfort and peace. "My hope is built only nothing less than Jesus' blood and righteousness." Trials are inevitable in the life, and the storms will come, but "on Christ the solid rock I stand."

My Hope Is Built

My hope is built on nothing less

than Jesus' blood and righteousness.

I dare not trust the sweetest frame,

but wholly lean on Jesus' name.

On Christ the solid rock I stand,

all other ground is sinking sand;

all other ground is sinking sand.

When Darkness veils his lovely face,

I rest on His unchanging grace.

In every high and stormy gale,

my anchor holds within the veil.

On Christ the solid rock I stand,

all other ground is sinking sand;

all other ground is sinking sand.

His oath, his covenant, his blood

supports me in the whelming flood.

When all around my soul gives way,

He then is all my hope and stay.

On Christ the solid rock I stand,

all other ground is sinking sand;

all other ground is sinking sand.

When he shall come with trumpet sound,

O may I then in Him be found!

Dressed in his righteousness alone,

faultless to stand before the throne!

On Christ the solid rock I stand,

all other ground is sinking sand;

all other ground is sinking sand.

He IS so GOOD to Me

What a week it has been in the Cole house! As most of you know, for about a year now Kyle and I have been trying to conceive a child, and a few weeks ago, we had our first official procedure done. Well Monday was the first day that I could take a pregnancy test. All Sunday evening I debated on whether or not I would take one, because I knew I was getting blood work done on Thursday. Monday morning the suspense was getting the best of me, so I decided to go ahead, and take a test. It was very faint, but looked positive. I called the doctor's office, and they suggested I go ahead and come in for blood work on Tuesday. That night I took another test, and it was still faint, but darker. My friend Ellen even came over to look at it, and even she thought I was pregnant. Tuesday morning before I drove to Memphis, I used a digital pregnancy test, and it said pregnant. I was certainly excited, but not really for certain until I received my blood work results. I was pretty much stunned, because we just knew it would take several rounds to get pregnant, and this was the first round. Well, the doctor called me on Tuesday afternoon, and confirmed that I was pregnant. I was shocked, and elated. We had a full day of celebration, and it was so fun to see the pure joy expressed by so many. Kyle's mother and sister happen to be in town, and so we were able to celebrate with them as well. I know that we have already seen a miracle take place just in the fact that I was able to get pregnant. We went to bed that night "on cloud nine"! The very next day brought us something different. I had breakfast with a student, and when I got home I began having some heavy spotting. I immediately called the doctor, and they definitely were concerned because it was bright red (sorry for the graphic detail, but this is the best way to describe our situation). You can imagine the emotion we were experiencing. I have never experienced such extreme joy one day, and then the very next day been brought to the depths of sadness. It is the most vast array of emotions I have ever experienced in two days. But even amidst the sadness, I could feel the presence of the Lord, and He displayed His compassion to us (especially through His children) that day in a way that I have never experienced in the years I have been a believer. Even though this day had brought much grief, I still could say, "I know that the Lord is good, and He intends good for us, and this is part of His sovereign plan for us." The Lord kept laying upon my heart Isaiah 55:8 which says, "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are my ways your ways, declares the Lord." We may never fully understand His plan for us, because His ways are certainly not our ways, but I trust whatever He has planned is good. Thursday morning I went back to the doctor for more blood work. They are monitoring my HCG levels. In the early weeks of pregnancy, HCG levels are suppose to double every 48 to 72 hours. On Tuesday my HCG level was 111, and on Thursday it was 150. It is positive that in increased, but it was only by 35%. This could mean several things, but the doctor's main concern is that it is an impending miscarriage, or it could be signs of an ectopic pregnancy, or everything could be completely fine. We called many friends and family members, and asked them to begin praying that the Lord would sustain the babies life, and that by Saturday my levels would have doubled. You can only imagine how hard it is to sit around and wait another two days for results, but it appears I might be doing lots of waiting. I had such a peace in these two days, even if the results turned out differently than I hoped. On Friday, Kyle left on the Campus Crusade Spring Break trip to Rome. He was very apprehensive about leaving, but we both felt that he needed to go. It was definitely hard for him to leave, but my mother is in town, and staying with me until he returns. We also changed his cell phone plan, so I can call him with updates. Today, I went back to Memphis for more blood work. My HCG level has risen more, but still not doubled. It went from 150 to 241 which is a 60% increase. This is great news, but I am still borderline on my levels increasing, and there is still a concern of miscarriage or ectopic pregnancy. When your levels slowly increase, this can be a sign of ectopic. As for now, we still don't have a definitive answer which can be frustrating at times. I will go to Memphis again on Monday for more blood work, and we hope and pray that my levels will have skyrocketed, and there will be no questions. The doctor cannot give us an answer until I am six weeks. At this point, I am too early for anything to show up on an ultrasound, and an ultrasound is the only way to rule out ectopic. We are still very hopeful that the Lord will bring this baby to full term, but at the same time we are facing the concerns of the pregnancy. Even if the Lord has a different plan, we can still rejoice in this trial too, knowing that He has purposed good for us, He holds us in the palm of His hand, and He will sustain us through this circumstance as well. As we wait, we trust that the Lord is working this out for His glory and our good. I share all of this with you because I know you too have been praying for us. We have certainly been comforted by your many prayers for us, and would ask that you continue to pray. Please join us in praying for my levels to increase, and that this pregnancy would result in a healthy baby. I will end with the lyrics to one of my favorite songs by Third Day. As I was taking a shower on Wednesday night after a very long day, the Lord placed this song upon my heart. Jesus is so good to me, He does heal my broken heart, and He is my Father in Heaven.

"You Are So Good To Me"

You are beautiful my sweet, sweet song

You are beautiful my sweet, sweet song

You are beautiful my sweet, sweet song

And I will sing again

You are so good to me

You heal my broken heart

You are my Father in Heaven

You are beautiful my sweet, sweet song

You are beautiful my sweet, sweet song

You ride upon the clouds

You lead me to the truth

You are the Spirit inside me

You are my strong melody, yeah

You are my dancing rhythm

You are my perfect rhyme

And I will sing of You forever

You poured out all Your blood

You died upon the cross

You are my Jesus who loves me

You are my Father in Heaven

You are the Spirit inside me

You are my Jesus who loves me

Even though we are still uncertain of the outcome of the pregnancy, I am still going to post these pictures so you can also share in our joy.

I told Kyle by surprising him with balloons,

and an Ole Miss gown and booties!

Telling Mrs. Cyndi and Alexis the news

I gave pink and blue M&M's

to all the girls I disciple.