The saying "a lot can happen in a year" certainly proved true in our lives over the past year. A year ago this past week, I was walking through a miscarriage (our first pregnancy), and Kyle was thousands of miles away in Italy. For those of you who did not know this, you can read about our story by clicking here and here. As I entered into this week, I wanted to make sure I took the time to reflect upon what the Lord did in our lives through this trial, and what He is still working out in us today. I think the Lord wanted me to spend some time processing this too, because as I sat in church last Sunday I experienced one of those moments where I felt like the sermon was given specifically for me.
Stephen Taylor, our pastor, preached that morning on God's Glory in Our Suffering. My first response was "oh, I can relate to that--been there." And, the Lord sure did speak to me that morning! The message was centered around a very familiar passage of scripture, the death of Lazarus. If you would like a refresher on this story it can be found in John 11:1-44. The scripture says, "Now Jesus loved Martha and her sister and Lazarus. So, when he heard that Lazarus was ill, he stayed two days longer in the place where he was." I read this and think to myself, if Jesus knew he was sick why on earth would he stay 2 more days? Why did he not immediately run to Lazarus' side and heal him, especially if he loved him? But, as my pastor said, "there was a great purpose in Lazarus' death, and that was that the Lord be glorified and that many would believe in Jesus." The part of I love about this story was that even though Jesus knew he was going to raise Lazarus from the dead, he still wept upon hearing about Lazarus' death. As Stephen said, "Now that is a compassion!"
After leaving church, I began to process what I heard that morning, and how it applied to my life. Between our miscarriage and my current pregnancy, we waited 7 months to conceive. Upon finding out we were pregnant, we had already suffered through 3 failed fertility treatments. There were some very dark days during the 18 months it took us to get pregnant. At the time I wondered why the Lord did not run to our side and grant us a child. It seemed that he was blessing so many others with a child, why not us? But just as Jesus waited to heal Lazarus, I think the Lord waited to give us a child for several reasons. One of those is that He had a lot to teach us. If you want to read about what He taught me during the wait click here. The other is that I believe the Lord brought us down this road for His glory. He gave us a story to share, and through my faithfulness in doing so, I have been able to minister to many other women who are experiencing infertility. I do not by any means say this to be like look at me, but so that you can see the Lord had a purpose for us and he wanted to use our trial for His glory. I am also certain that upon the arrival of Hardy James Cole, the Lord will receive even more glory for the miracle He created!
Trusting that the Lord is receiving glory in our suffering does not make our suffering any easier though. I had many moments where I said to the Lord, "why did you choose this for us?" But then I remember, just like Jesus wept over Lazarus, he also wept with us in our suffering. Our God is full of compassion, and He deeply cares for us. We never have to walk through trials and suffering alone, because He is with us.
Before writing this post, I went back and read all my entries from the week I was walking through the miscarriage. As I began to read tears started filling my eyes, and by the end I was fully weeping. Although it was a year ago, I still remember it as if it was yesterday. Even though I have a precious baby boy on the way, I often think about that child. I wonder if it would have been a boy or girl, what color were its eyes, would it have had my personality or Kyle's? I know I will not ever have these answers, but I find rest in the fact that this was the Lord's sovereign plan for us. I do hope that His glory was made known through our suffering, and I am thankful that we were able to experience on a deeper level the vastness of His love and compassion for us.
Please know that my heart still weighs heavy for women experiencing infertility. It is certainly not an easy road. If you every need someone to talk to or share your story with, please e-mail me at amytcole@gmail.com. I would love to talk with you and pray for you. Thanks for allowing me to continue to share our journey with you.
No comments:
Post a Comment